Batman vs. the obese pederast known as Sweet Tooth

So I’m watching THE NEW ADVENTURES OF BATMAN dvd set the other day when the episode entitled  “A Sweet Joke on Gotham City” comes on. Holy Shit! You’re not gonna see this kind of thing ever again. SWEET TOOTH is an obese, Paul Lynde -like voiced sissy that wants to turn Gotham’s water supply into chocolate syrup. His gang consist of some fat kids with rotten teeth. Robin goes undercover as a candy loving plumper. In these days when even Cookie Monster has a disclaimer, this could never happen.

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Bat- Mite gets a facial

Bat- Mite gets a facial

 

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JAGUAR LIVES!

As lovely as Deborah Gibson’s ass is, it’s time to put something new up. But what? How about a short review of the 1979 Joe Lewis uber-vehicle JAGUAR LIVES! So Joe Lewis is some sort of karate guy with cool hair. The kind of hair I wanted in 1979, a sort of Dirk Benedict/Parker Stevenson cut. He’s a secret agent code named “Jaguar” who hangs out with his buddy agent Cougar but he doesn’t realize Cougar is a double agent. Unknown to Jaguar, Cougar shoots Jaguar before apparently being blown up and presumed dead.. Jaguar lives of course but goes to what may be Sante Fe to do shirtless Taichi on a mountain while Woody Strode watches. As these things go, eventually Barbara Bach arrives in a helicopter to convince Jaguar, whose real name is Jonathan, to come back and be Jaguar again. There’s some sort of talk about a master villain named Esteban and he’s got some kind of plan to get all the donuts and deal some opium.. It really doesn’t matter. So off he goes globe trotting around while the director calls in favors from co-stars John Huston, Donald Pleasance and Christopher Lee. Pleasance plays a banana republic dictator which is actually as funny as it sounds. The other guys basically play themselves. John Huston was probably in a hurry as he had to be on the TENTACLES set later that day.

jaguar_livesSo Jaguar jets around  asking questions, wearing sunglasses and kicking guys then at the end he figures out Cougar was a dick and I think he kills him. I don’t really remember. What we end up with in this picture is something that resembles an expensive late seventies TV movie. Even the theme music reminds you of a show that was spun of from HART TO HART and probably starred Ben Murphy. There’s no nudity, some pretty tame violence, no harsh language even. But there is a lot of Joe Lewis in action slacks with his jacket slung over his shoulder. It’s not awful and certainly would’ve entertained me if I caught it  in 1979.

Deborah Gibson naked in MEGA SHARK vs. GIANT OCTOPUS?

No, so we dug up some nude stuff from her Playboy shoot just to make you feel good about being an American. Try getting that kind of service in a country ruled by Islamic dicks! And because the 4th of July is right around the corner, we threw in a shot of Deborah’s arch rival, also frozen in combat during the ice age-TIFFANY!

MEGA SHARK vs. GIANT OCTOPUS at Gorillanaut! Click here now!

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BLUE WATER, SAVAGE DEATH

IMG_0001It’s the JAWS/GORGO crossover I’ve always dreamed of.

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Lafayette is my favorite character so I hope he ain’t dead as fried chicken. He’s a lot more entertaining than my gay drug dealers (Dr. Alex and Stephen) from the 90’s.

Oh Denise!

 

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I’m a big TAMMY AND THE T-REX fan.

 

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JONAH HEX

I don’t know about Brolin. He seems too short and near pudgy in a frat boy kind of way.

jonahhex3Maybe this dude from True Blood would’ve been better:

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