SHARK WEEK-TINTORERA


lolcat861030c29c26e4fbc83623fa728fd1b3bb7905de
tintorera

Consider this a cautionary tale about a regular Joe who just wanted to see a sharksploitation movie but instead was subjected to a Mexican remake of JULES AND JIM mixed with a long Cancun lensed Speedo commercial. I know what you’re thinking, “but Bwana isn’t it based on the bestseller by Ramon Bravo?”   Sure,it is. But did they capture any of the nail biting suspense of that page turner which I’ve never read and am beginning to question the existence of? No or nada. First it’s two hours long. Two hours of guys talking about shit, spearing countless fish and sailing. It does have a fairly hilarious near rape, more like “surprise sex” on top of a truck full of oranges. It starts as rape but the girls are completely willing and laughing the whole time so it’s more of a gray area. There’s a cabin man who looks like Rusty from MAD TV. There’s lots of man ass and man speedo ass. Fiona Lewis gets eaten by a shark but no one sees it happen and so it makes no impact. Fucking Hugo Stiglitz wanders around being mopey with  his playboy rival turned friend Andres Garcia. They then eat up a lot of time being care free and wearing speedos. Basically they are in love with one another but not willing to go full gay. So they hook up with Susan George so they can rub dicks without the guilt. Here’s the deal with Susan George: Hot for a British chick, but real fucking average in America. You never even see her in a good naked shot. Then the movie burns film with their menagetois until FINALLY a shark eats Garcia’s Miguel, which is the highlite. There’s hardly any shark action at all until the very end when the dreaded Tintorera shows up because he was contractually obligated. There’s just no justification for this movie’s existence. You can’t call it a JAWS ripoff because it doesn’t have the ambition. It’s more about speedos, hammocks and mixed drinks. I dare you to watch it.

 

That speedo really cups your balls nicely, Miguel"

That speedo really cups your balls nicely, Miguel"

 

"Shine your shoes, guv'ner?"

"Shine your shoes, guv'ner?"

 

Tintotera does what he can, but it's too late

Tintotera does what he can, but it's too late

Advertisements

Leave a comment

No comments yet.

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s