SHARK WEEK-CRUEL JAWS


 

 

lolcat109100b7d21a65706a23de01faf85f3ba5dcef3b

 

33 cruel jaws

The overwhelming positive response(actually one comment not really even about Shark Week but a high for this blog) to SHARK WEEK means that it will continue! That’s right friends, more Shark Cinema.  So let’s get back in the water with the Bruno Mattei collage of a film CRUEL JAWS.  Mattei is such a cinematic genius he really didn’t even need much original footage to make one of the greatest films ever. That’s right, not just greatest shark film ever, but the greatest film ever(made from bits of the JAWS series, GREAT WHITE and DEEP BLOOD. and a morsel of the Peter Benchley novel WHITE SHARK a.k.a CREATURE). I suppose we also need to add some of the score from STAR WARS and probably some more John Williams. So how did he accomplish this feat? Not sure but it looks like he took the winner of the Hulk Hogan lookalike contest from a bait shop in Panama City Florida, added a guy who sorta looks Patrick Swayze,  recruited everybody who ever did a local used car lot commercial and then described to them what he remembered from the one time he saw JAWS before turning the camera on and having a go at it. 

Hulk Hoganish plays Dag, a former whaler who now owns an low budget dolphin show aquarium. In the recent past he lost his wife and his daughter was crippled. But she’s got spirit and loves dolphins. Sadly, an evil developer is gonna kick Dag off the property for not paying rent and sell the property to the mob. The killer shark arrives to make things worse. A Peter Scolari lookalike plays the Hooper role and there’s another sub-plot about Dag’s son dating the evil developer’s daughter. The Patrick Swayzeish guy is the developer’s mulleted son and wind surfing champion. The regatta scene from GREAT WHITE reappears, as well as the cave scene, the helicopter scene and perhaps most inexplicably, the cheerleading scene. Chunks of dialog from JAWS are re-imagined, as well as the exploding boat from JAWS 2 and the Dennis Quaid catching his brother making out scene from JAWS  III. Regrettably, no one does Louis Gossett Jr.’s Calvin Broussard. It turns out the killer tiger shark was a military experiment that escaped from the USS CLEVELAND. Yes, it’s just that awesome. It’s hard not to like a movie that combines the awesomeness of so many movies and just doesn’t give a fuck.

"Hear that? It's thunder in Paradise"

"Hear that? It's thunder in Paradise"

 

"I wish my legs worked so I could leave"

"I wish my legs worked so I could leave"

Hey Look kids, it's Bruno Mattei"

Hey Look kids, it's Bruno Mattei"

 

Dude, lose the chick and lets rub dicks"

Dude, lose the chick and let's rub dicks"

 

"Hey, did they ever find Morrow's head?"

"Hey, did they ever find Morrow's head?"

 

Pole grabbing Castellari style

Pole grabbing Castellari style

and re-imagined by Mattei

and re-imagined by Mattei

Advertisements

Leave a comment

No comments yet.

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s