Ho!Ho! and Ho!


Time to go back in time again, to when they made fantasy movies for men, 1983 or so. Give or take. No teary eyed hobbits or boy wizards. Just titties, horny satyrs, fruity evil guys, evil monkeys and torture. I’m not sure why SORCERESS is called SORCERESS. I would’ve called it WARRIOR TWINS or SWORDS OF THE WIZARD TWINS.

Back in the olden days a wizard named something stupid needs to sacrifice his first born for some reason. The mom has somehow hid the fact that there are twins so the wizard doesn’t know which one he has to kill. I think. The mom won’t say which is which so the wizard’s goon rakes her vaginal area with a rake/claw trowel like thing. A good guy magic man shows up and saves the twins by temporarily killing the wizard. He has multiple lives it turns out but it takes him about the same amount of time it takes the twins to age enough get legally naked to come back. In the mean time they are giving the ability to occasionally glow blue and are raised by a farmer as boys. While the twins are skinny dipping, a horny satyr watches them while apparently masturbating. Meanwhile back at the farm the wizard terrorizes the farm family  until the girls show up, glow blue and kick ass. The family dies but the girls meet a helpful Viking who shows up out of nowhere. The original good guy magic dude who sorta looks like Shazam the Wizard reappears to hand out wisdom before stepping into a fire and burning up in a mysterious wizard like way. And yeah, all this is as good as it sounds.

So they’re off to get revenge on the wizard who unknown to them is their father. The Viking hooks up with his buddy, some sort of slumming noble who likes cheap pussy and gambling. He is almost impaled for being a cheat. They put him naked on a greased pole with a pointy stake just under his buttocks, but sadly the wizard realizes he is some sort of royalty who may be useful for some stupid reason and spares him. But the real reason is so he can screw one of the twins and get a nude scene.The twins still don’t know they are girls by the way. Eventually one is kidnapped and gets fucked by the buddy gambler guy whose name I forgot. Let’s call him Steve. Just like in real life as Steve screws one twin the other twin feels the pleasure and lies on the ground climaxing. After some evil monkeys get everyone drunk on magic L.S.D. fruit and the satyr dances with some wood nymphs but before the zombie fight, the evil wizard plans the sacrifice. A weird bat lion monster appears in the sky but doesn’t really do anything except snarl at a evil woman’s giant floating sky head. The head may be the Sorceress of the title. It doesn’t really matter. Steve manages to end up with both chicks. My copy was a vhs. I imagine it would play well with the volume down and accompanied by the Cirith Ungol album “Frost and Fire”.


with Melissa Smith!


Norman…Is that you?