COMMAND PERFORMANCE! DOLPH DOES IT ALL!

with Melissa Smith!

REVIEW AT GORILLANAUT

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So I watched a couple of zombie flicks…

sorta zombie flicks anyway. The happy go lucky GRACE and the rainbow of happiness DEADGIRL. Read about it at Gorillanaut.

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WOLFHOUND

at GORILLANAUT

Bring your own vodka and mail order bride

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SHARK WEEK-DEEP BLOOD

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Wow, it took me a while to track down a copy of this odd Joe D’Amato shark movie but I finally got one made from yet another Japanese laser disc. It’s a fairly goofy effort, not nearly as lively as GREAT WHITE but it did end up as part of CRUEL JAWS as well. The plot has a group of young boys who while roasting weenies on the beach are warned by a hobo/Indian about an angry sea god. As these things go they take a blood oath to fight sea monsters. Years later as teenagers, a series of shark attacks plague  their beach community and they are forced to face their past and honor the blood oath from the magical hobo/Indian. Basically it’s a variation of any of the Stephen King books where a group of kids have something bad happen then take an Indian related blood oath that they remember years later. There are sub-plots ( because a shark movie demands them) about the town bully, their mean parents, dead moms, failure to meat parental expectations and all that stuff King pads his books with.

Most of the shark footage is the same National Geographic footage that seems to pop up everywhere but there’s also a fake shark head. If you just watch the superior CRUEL JAWS you’ll get all the good stuff. The print I saw was pretty dark and looked better in CRUEL JAWS including the ending where they blow up the shark god’s shipwreck hideaway ( The USS Cleveland in CRUEL JAWS). Years back a supposed still of this flick popped up in a book called SPAGHETTI NIGHTMARES but it’s actually from GREAT WHITE.

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SHARK WEEK-HAMMERHEAD: SHARK FRENZY

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Here’s one that had a lot going for it: Jeffrey Combs, William Forsythe, an assload of Russians, cool sets and a nice retro-shark man design and yet it didn’t come together. I gotta blame the script. There’s so many missed opportunities and it’s a shame. It really could’ve been a great nostalgic drive in movie along the lines of  THE MAD DOCTOR BLOOD ISLAND. A scientist (Combs) goes batshit trying to cure his son’s cancer but instead turns him into a hammerhead man that he then tries to mate with human women. How awesome is that? But the execution just doesn’t grab it by the balls and squeeze. We never get much more than quick glances at Sharkman and a lot of time is spent with the apparently endless supply of henchmen running around the island. There’s even a clumsy bit with a carnivorous plant that fails as well as numerous chances for nudity that are dropped. It really seems pre-edited for the Scifi channel despite some blood here and there. The mating of woman and Sharkman just is lame when it could’ve been gloriously perverse. Hunter Tylo plays the chick and despite having spent money on tits doesn’t seem to feel she’s obligated to whip them out. She doesn’t even wear a bikini which would seem to be required for this kind of picture. When it comes time for here to mate with the Sharkman, she’s wearing what looks to be jockey shorts and a bra. How is that helpful?

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SHARK WEEK-FUNNY DEATH MACHINES

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If you need to make a cartoon based on a man eating fish and to capitalize on the success of a blockbuster movie where a giant shark eats a little boy (R.I.P. Alex Kintner) then what you do is make the shark sound like Curly.

SHARK WEEK-TINTORERA

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Consider this a cautionary tale about a regular Joe who just wanted to see a sharksploitation movie but instead was subjected to a Mexican remake of JULES AND JIM mixed with a long Cancun lensed Speedo commercial. I know what you’re thinking, “but Bwana isn’t it based on the bestseller by Ramon Bravo?”   Sure,it is. But did they capture any of the nail biting suspense of that page turner which I’ve never read and am beginning to question the existence of? No or nada. First it’s two hours long. Two hours of guys talking about shit, spearing countless fish and sailing. It does have a fairly hilarious near rape, more like “surprise sex” on top of a truck full of oranges. It starts as rape but the girls are completely willing and laughing the whole time so it’s more of a gray area. There’s a cabin man who looks like Rusty from MAD TV. There’s lots of man ass and man speedo ass. Fiona Lewis gets eaten by a shark but no one sees it happen and so it makes no impact. Fucking Hugo Stiglitz wanders around being mopey with  his playboy rival turned friend Andres Garcia. They then eat up a lot of time being care free and wearing speedos. Basically they are in love with one another but not willing to go full gay. So they hook up with Susan George so they can rub dicks without the guilt. Here’s the deal with Susan George: Hot for a British chick, but real fucking average in America. You never even see her in a good naked shot. Then the movie burns film with their menagetois until FINALLY a shark eats Garcia’s Miguel, which is the highlite. There’s hardly any shark action at all until the very end when the dreaded Tintorera shows up because he was contractually obligated. There’s just no justification for this movie’s existence. You can’t call it a JAWS ripoff because it doesn’t have the ambition. It’s more about speedos, hammocks and mixed drinks. I dare you to watch it.

 

That speedo really cups your balls nicely, Miguel"

That speedo really cups your balls nicely, Miguel"

 

"Shine your shoes, guv'ner?"

"Shine your shoes, guv'ner?"

 

Tintotera does what he can, but it's too late

Tintotera does what he can, but it's too late